Spirits

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Direct Answers – Column for the week of August 16, 2004
I was looking for the miraculous “answer to my life,” when I came across your column. I don’t have anyone to ask for a neutral opinion so I am hoping you can give me some insight.
I met my husband when I was 18 and started dating him when I was 21. In 1991, shortly after I moved in with him, he lost his license for drunk driving after a Christmas party. I always had an excuse for him. His parents were alcoholics, well-known in town for their successful businesses and lack of success in family life.
Fast forward to three years ago. The kids were affected by our arguments and knowing “daddy drinks too much.” One night my husband actually dropped our son on his head. I finally had it. I gave him an ultimatum. If he wanted to sulk about the past and drink, he could do it without me and the children.
He vowed to quit forever and checked into rehab and did counseling. We moved to a new town with new friends. I don’t expect perfection, but I do expect honesty and he can’t tell me the truth. He claims to go to AA meetings in towns that don’t have AA meetings. How can I respect or be intimate with someone who lies?
On top of that he has an anger problem. Not physically, but sometimes I wish he would just hit me. As crazy as it sounds, it would make my decision easier. As I type this, man, it seems so clear. I have to get out of here, but I grew up not believing in divorce.
Sharon
Sharon, you say you don’t believe in divorce as if you are saying you don’t believe in ghosts. But divorce exists, and it exists for a reason. When one person in the marriage won’t participate, and the children are being damaged, that is a reason for divorce.
Even now you are excusing your husband. You say he lost his license after a Christmas party. Christmas has nothing to do with it. He was drunk. He is still drunk.
There aren’t any miraculous answers to your life, but there are realistic ones. You’ve tried patience, understanding, rehab, and counseling. It hasn’t gone anywhere. You cannot expect a different outcome, unless you try a different strategy.
Tamara
Just Say No
I seem to be in an impossible situation. I am 31 and never married. I work as a software developer and am quite happy in my current living situation. But my family is pestering me to at least consider marriage, even saying they can find me girls.
I don’t want to get married. I’ve never had a girlfriend or even dated in my life. I’ve learned to be content without any romantic relations, and I don’t want to start. Even though I live a long way from my parents, they talk to me on the phone about it every day. This affects my ability to enjoy life, which is a big part of being single.
I enjoy my freedom and don’t want to give it up just because everyone expects me to get married and have a family. Is there any way out of getting married? I know I can be happy living by myself, and don’t like to consider marriage and children.
Dev
Dev, we are not the property of our parents. At some point, our lives become our own. When your parents urge you to marry, remember it is not a wish for you. It is a wish for themselves.
Sometimes it is easier to stand up for someone else. It would be a great injustice to any woman if you marry her against your will. Every day your mom and dad can ask you to marry, but they cannot stop you from saying no every single time. When the immovable object meets the irresistible force, nothing happens.
Wayne

Family Law

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A frustrating lack of permanence plagues modern relationships. Approximately one of every two marriages ends in divorce and the average length of a marriage before divorce is only five years. Many couples today chose cohabitation over traditional marriage. What happened to the idealized family depicted in Father Knows Best, Leave it To Beaver, The Donna Reed Show and Ozzie and Harriet?
No simple answer exists to this question: our intimate relationships have been affected by the industrialization of society, urbanization, continued changes in the traditional roles of the sexes and greater economic independence for women, a rise in the percentage of the population pursuing a college education, a lessening of social pressure against couples who cohabit, the recognition of legal rights for llegitimate children, a decreasing birth rate, improved birth control methods and a longer life expectancy. All these factors contribute to our alarming divorce rate.
Is it any wonder the state ( literally, the state you live in and as, generically, any form of government) must pass laws that affect our personal relationships as we struggle for answers?
You can take opposing views of the laws in our country. One argument is that they protect society and its members, but the flip side contends they are a means of oppression. The laws that impact our intimate relationships are not necessarily harmful or intrusive in and of themselves. However, forming a relationship without a working knowledge of these laws and without considering all the ramifications can lead to situations where the end result is both.
The state’s role in romantic relationships has often been justified by “public policy” interests. The term “public policy,” though vague, is used to justify laws or actions that would injure the public welfare or be contrary to public decency, sound policy and good morals.
Understanding the necessity of laws that impact on our personal relationships starts with the recognition that our society is not the first to regulate love and the law. The efforts of governments throughout history to control the couplings of its citizens illustrates why and how our own laws were created and why and how, inevitably, they will adapt as society changes.
The one form of marriage permitted under our laws is the only option for couples who want a legal relationship. Happily, the single status is only a temporary situation for most Americans. Few will stop looking for love, trust, companionship and sexual and emotional fulfillment with another person. However, couples wanting to remarry, parents with ready-made families, couples over 65 looking for companionship without legal complications, all seek answers from the same legal relationship.
Although divorce laws have undergone radical changes in our lifetimes, the marriage laws have remained relatively static. Unfortunately, because couples considering marriage have many different needs, it is not uncommon for the laws that govern marriage to conflict with these needs. Too often, couples learn too late that financial penalties come attached to the marriage license. Marriage may be the only means of forming a legal and financial relationship under the law but, for many, legal marriage simply implies that they must suffer penalties to legalize their relationship.
As traditional marriage has proven less and less capable of living up to its potential in our society, alternatives such as unmarried cohabitation have arisen. The increase in couples who choose to cohabit can be traced to the fact that the marriage laws are not meeting the needs of these citizens in forming their personal relationships. Although there are a variety of reasons why couples choose to “just live together,” financial disadvantages are a major factor.
If you are previously married and considering a remarriage, you know that the older bride or groom has different needs than the young couple entering a first marriage. The responsibilities and obligations from prior marriages, particularly when children are involved, cannot be ignored. Men and women over fifty who have minor children fight the same uphill battle as younger couples do in defining and fulfilling their obligations of visitation, custody, support, and inheritance. These problems create stress for the old family, as well as the new, upon remarriage.
Even without children, it is possible that obligations to former spouses can impact a new marriage. Older couples must consider the potential loss of private pensions, alimony, social security benefits or tax advantages because of a remarriage. Also important is the issue of inheritance of assets that may have taken a lifetime to accumulate. Older couples may want to limit their financial obligations to each other in the areas of support, medical costs, insurance, and pension benefits.
If you are a refugee from the marital wars, you learned the hard way about precautions that could have been taken the first time and should be taken the next. The happily married couple doesn’t need to learn from experience; they, too, can benefit from the information in this book. If you are one of the lucky couples who has beat the odds and stayed married, we want to show you how to continue to protect and preserve your relationship…and your money. Check out loveandthelaw.com to discover what you need to know about your relationship.

Effect of Single Parenting On A Child

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In today’s generation, people are more liberated. And because of that, a lot of things are going on today that was never heard of before. Say for example, the concept of being a single parent. Single parents are scattered all over the world, so we can’t say that it is because of culture or economic status. Rich or poor, a lot of single parents are out there.

So is being a single parent bad? Some would say that they would prefer to be a single parent. Some would say that having a mom and a dad is still proper for a child. Some experts have pointed out some bad traits on children with single parents.

They say that having a single parent has certain effects on a child.

Of course, some effects are good but some are also bad. Since a lot of single parents are dealing with their children by themselves, it is important that you notice and discuss some good and bad effects of solo parenting.

Let us start on the good effects of being a single parent. As an effect of being a single parent, you will be very close to your child or children. You will be the only one they will look up to and you will have their undivided unconditional love. You will also be the only authority they will look up to.

You will be able to have all of their respect and love, making it easy for you to make rules and also for them to follow. In your family, there will be no pairing up or partnership between members. Your family will be very close and the single parent will be in full control.

Close family ties s the greatest effect a single parent can have on a child. The child and single parent will have a very good, if not best, and a very open relationship.

They will have a good communication line and no secrets will be kept from each other. They will share everything with each other that will lead to a harmonious relationship between parent and child.

So if you look at it, being a single parent will be great considering the fact that how good your relationship would be as parent and child. But being a single parent also has its flaws. The difference may have some not so good effects on your child.

Of course, a normal family consists of a mother, a father and the children. In the case of a single parent, a mother or a father is missing. Because of that, it is no longer normal. And as you know, the society looks down on anything that is not normal. The child might start feeling that he or she is different. And that may have some unwanted psychological effects on the child.

One example that might bring the child’s feeling down is when his or her peers start teasing him or her for having only one parent. He or she might start thinking that having one parent is bad and the child points out the blame to his or her parent. The child will have a gap with the parent that will be very hard to fill up.

Another problem that may arise as an effect of being a single parent on a child is his or her lack of either a father figure or a mother to care for him or her. The child might seek for someone that has never been there and it might be a cause for the child to be hard-headed.

The child might also get jealous seeing other kids with complete parents. The child may become disturbed because of that. The child might be looking for complete parents in some special occasions that usually require two parents like father’s day or mother’s day.

As a single parent, you have to answer all the financial needs of your family. So that means you have to work for you to feed them. You can’t really spend much time with your children so that you can have a good life. You will really have a hard time teaching them values because you are not always at home.

Always remember that it is not about being a single parent. It is about how you bring up your children and the time you spend with them. And also being how efficient you are as a parent, single or not.

Save The Marriage For The Children

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Getting separated or a divorced seems to be a very simple process, but it leaves a high impact on personal and family life of a person. The person undergoing this process may face lot of pain and stress and lose the personal as well as social stability.

It is extremely stressful experience especially for the children of divorcing parents, irrespective of sex and age. They may get mentally disturbed and their future may get spoiled. Hence, it is often advised to save the marriage for the children.

Usually, the world of children is limited to their parents and they are totally dependant on their parents for all their needs. What they require in their growing age is affection and protection from their parents. When their parents take the decision of separation, they emotionally may collapse and become restless.

When the problem of child custody arise in the court, it may become very difficult for the child to choose one of the parents with whom he/she is supposed to live with in future because the child loves both the parents equally. In case of underage child, the court takes the decision about the custody of child which may be forceful for the child. Hence, to protect the right of a child to have both the parents, you need to save the marriage for the children.

As the divorce affects the economical status of an individual, it might become difficult for a single parent to take proper care of a child. Since, divorce or marriage separation is not socially accepted in some countries, the child may feel embarrassing in the society. There may be some problems in emotional bonding of children and parents. A child of divorced parents might experience a feeling of intense anger, insecurity and loneliness.

The consequences of divorce affect almost every aspect of the children’s lives such as emotions and behavior coping skills, psychological development and the parent-child relationship. The children may feel helpless and lonely due to frustration which may lead to some health problems such as sleep difficulties.

There may be some destructive changes in children’s behavior such as alcohol abuse, drug addiction, violence or the attempts to suicide. Other behavioral problems include nervous habits, school problems or regressive behaviors like bedwetting or use of the comfort items including blanket or stuffed toys. Hence, before taking any harsh decision, find out some solutions to save the marriage for the children.

Once you decide that you should save the marriage for the children, you should start working on it. You can first find out the problems in your married life and ways to resolve them. When you come to about the problems, both of you should equally take efforts to solve them and save the marriage.

You need good communication to express your feelings and to listen to and understand your partner. You may take the help of your family or friends and get an advice from them. If this is not sufficient, you can go for marriage counseling which may help you to understand your problems and differences and suggest some solutions.

Do You Need A Divorce Lawyer?

Do you have a problem with your spouse? Is there physical abuse, sexual abuse and cruel treatment that you experience in your relationship? Is there abandonment and adultery committed by your significant half?

If you have encountered these problems with your spouse, you may have the grounds needed in filing a divorce. If you feel the things happening in your marriage are no longer under your control, and you have exhausted all efforts, and have stretched your patience to its limits, then perhaps it is time to get help from a divorce lawyer.

Your divorce lawyer will help you out in the legal process involved. He will get the details of your side, which he will use in his legal arguments to favor your side. Any important details, together with some evidences and proofs to show the truth you are claiming, will be useful in contesting the other side’s claims and contentions.

The divorce process involves the division of communal property. Your state laws will cover the guidelines in ruling what will be awarded to your favor, and what will be given to your spouse. Your divorce lawyer will need to get details of your personal property. For purposes of getting the facts, the discussion will involve taking note of the properties you owned before marriage, and those you were able to own during your marriage. It will also be important to note if there was a pre-nuptial agreement entered upon by the parties.

A divorce lawyer can help you in your fight for child custody. If you think you are capable of taking care of your child and can provide for her needs, then you might have a good fighting chance – unless of course you have some issues of cruel treatment and perhaps financial problems that might jeopardize the future of your child.

Hiring a divorce lawyer with extensive experience on such legal processes and procedures would do you good. An experienced lawyer would know how to argue your case, how to make your arguments hold more water, and how to contest any argument hurled by the other side.

When going thru a divorce, each side is accorded his rights. Each spouse deserves his or her fair share of the wealth accumulated while in union with the other. Usually the deserving spouse gets to have child custody, while the other at the very least, will have visiting rights. Issue on spousal support will also be settled in court. In order to increase your chances of attaining a favorable ruling on your side, get the best divorce lawyer you can to argue and present your case in court.

Is There Hope To Save A Marriage When One Spouse Has Had An Affair

Is there hope to save a marriage when one spouse has had an affair? There may be moments when you hate the other person and want to visit a divorce lawyer right away. Then, the next minute you’ll do anything to reconcile. How do you deal with these conflicting emotions? And, is there hope to save a marriage?

There are very few marital problems that cause as much heartache and devastation as infidelity. Money worries, disagreements about children or a serious illness can strain a relationship, but because of the deep sense of betrayal, infidelity undermines the foundation of marriage itself.

But, divorce doesn’t have to be the inevitable resolution to such cheating. When you say, “is there hope to save a marriage,” you have already answered the question. As long as you want it, there’s hope.

Counseling, healing time, and the mutual goal of rebuilding the relationship can help some couples emerge from infidelity with a stronger and more honest relationship than before.

After an affair is discovered, there are some specific things you should do.

For instance, you need to get support. This can come from family, friends, a pastor, or a therapist. But, don’t try to face this situation on your own.

Next, you need to give each other some space. There is a lot of emotional stress placed on a relationship at this time. By taking an emotional “time out” you give yourselves time to regroup.

Finally, take the time you need to sort things out. Don’t delve into the intimate details of the affair with your partner right away. Postpone these discussions until you can talk without being accusatory or destructive. It may even be a good idea to air out your feelings with someone who is a good listener before you can have a constructive conversation with your spouse.

You also need to define what an affair is to you. For instance, most people would consider a sustained physically sexual relationship to be an affair. Others would consider a one night stand to have violated the marital vows. Still others would consider feeling sexually drawn to another without any physical activity to be adulterous.

Talk about these feelings. Make sure that you are on the same page regarding what an affair will mean for your marriage.

If there has been a single instance of straying, there is a good chance of reconciliation. Multiple incidences of infidelity make it more difficult for the marriage to be sustained.

So, if you are wondering “is there hope to save a marriage” the answer is that there is, but you have to handle things after the revelation of the affair correctly.

Government Assistance For Single Parents Today

Being a single parent is a tough job. Imagine you should be a mom and a dad all at the same time. This means that you will be nurturer as well as a provider. Tough, isn’t it? But don’t you worry. There are government assistance for single parents to help you do these two arduous parenting jobs.

If you are a mom, being a nurturer comes naturally. There poses a problem if you are a dad. There are government assistance for single parents to help a father develop his ‘maternal’ skills. There are support groups available that will guide single parents on the basics of child rearing.

There are also available government assistance for single parents who are jobless. Single moms, particularly have a problem with this. Their being a mother always comes first and oftentimes lose their jobs in the process. When they are employed, they lose focus with their jobs and thus becomes perennialy late and absent to tend to a sick child or attend a parent-teacher meeting in school.

There are government assistance for single parents with this kind of problem. All a single mom should do is go to the nearest local goverment office and ask for a job that aptly fits a single mother. Yes, there are jobs that are ‘single parents’ friendly. The local government collate all the businesses within the county that has ‘special considerations’ for single parents.

If any of these ‘single parents friendly’ companies hire you, don’t ever think that you have the liberty to be absent whenever you want to. Of course, your being absent or late should have a valid reason. Otherwise, you will also end up fired for abuse of confidence.

Aside from these, there are still lots of government assistance for single parents. This includes montly stipend if you are jobless which you can apply at your nearest local office. Within a specified time, of course, you should have found a job.

The local government will assist you in finding a job. In a month or so, if you seek for government assistance for single parents, you will undoubtedly find a job that suits your needs and understands your special situation.

Also there is a government assistance for single parents who want to go back to school or enrol to college. State universities and private colleges offer scholarships for single parents. You could ask your local government office about this.

They have a list of schools that offer such scholarship. Aside from the scholarship, you may also get or be awarded a montly stipend to finance your daily school work needs and some for your household. This is of course while you are at school. The moment you finish school, the issuance of monthly stipend will be stopped.

Why is the federal government doing all these assistance for single parents? The Federal Government values the sanctity and importance of a family. Today, being a family doesn’t mean a household must have a father and mother before it will be called as such. As long as there is a single parent who is maintaining the happiness and peace in a household, that home deserves to be called a family.

So, in order for single parents to give a bright future to their child or children the federal government extends assitance to single parents. They help single parents reach their dreams for their children, feed them properly, bring them to school for education, and nurture their emotional and spiritual needs to be a good person and citizen when they grow up.

Some single parents are hesitant or even stubborn to seek for assistance being offered by the local government. Don’t be. Do not deny your children of what they deserve just because you are too stubborn to admit that you need help.

Besides, the help that you will get from the local government comes from our taxes, and your taxes that you have paid and paying too, taxes that all of us citizens have religiously paid with our efforts and sweat. By seeking help, you are merely reaping what you funded in the Federal Government’s tax fund.

Government Assistance For Single Parents

Government Assistance For Single Parents

Being a single parent is a tough job. Imagine you should be a mom and a dad all at the same time. This means that you will be nurturer as well as a provider. Tough, isn’t it? But don’t you worry. There are government assistance for single parents to help you do these two arduous parenting jobs.

If you are a mom, being a nurturer comes naturally. There poses a problem if you are a dad. There are government assistance for single parents to help a father develop his ‘maternal’ skills. There are support groups available that will guide single parents on the basics of child rearing.

There are also available government assistance for single parents who are jobless. Single moms, particularly have a problem with this. Their being a mother always comes first and oftentimes lose their jobs in the process. When they are employed, they lose focus with their jobs and thus becomes perennialy late and absent to tend to a sick child or attend a parent-teacher meeting in school.

There are government assistance for single parents with this kind of problem. All a single mom should do is go to the nearest local goverment office and ask for a job that aptly fits a single mother. Yes, there are jobs that are ‘single parents’ friendly. The local government collate all the businesses within the county that has ‘special considerations’ for single parents.

If any of these ‘single parents friendly’ companies hire you, don’t ever think that you have the liberty to be absent whenever you want to. Of course, your being absent or late should have a valid reason. Otherwise, you will also end up fired for abuse of confidence.

Aside from these, there are still lots of government assistance for single parents. This includes montly stipend if you are jobless which you can apply at your nearest local office. Within a specified time, of course, you should have found a job.

The local government will assist you in finding a job. In a month or so, if you seek for government assistance for single parents, you will undoubtedly find a job that suits your needs and understands your special situation.

Also there is a government assistance for single parents who want to go back to school or enrol to college. State universities and private colleges offer scholarships for single parents. You could ask your local government office about this.

They have a list of schools that offer such scholarship. Aside from the scholarship, you may also get or be awarded a montly stipend to finance your daily school work needs and some for your household. This is of course while you are at school. The moment you finish school, the issuance of monthly stipend will be stopped.

Why is the federal government doing all these assistance for single parents? The Federal Government values the sanctity and importance of a family. Today, being a family doesn’t mean a household must have a father and mother before it will be called as such. As long as there is a single parent who is maintaining the happiness and peace in a household, that home deserves to be called a family.

So, in order for single parents to give a bright future to their child or children the federal government extends assitance to single parents. They help single parents reach their dreams for their children, feed them properly, bring them to school for education, and nurture their emotional and spiritual needs to be a good person and citizen when they grow up.

Some single parents are hesitant or even stubborn to seek for assistance being offered by the local government. Don’t be. Do not deny your children of what they deserve just because you are too stubborn to admit that you need help.

Besides, the help that you will get from the local government comes from our taxes, and your taxes that you have paid and paying too, taxes that all of us citizens have religiously paid with our efforts and sweat. By seeking help, you are merely reaping what you funded in the Federal Government’s tax fund.

How To Save Your Marriage

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Getting married (or beginning an intimate relationship) is, in a way, like starting a business you’ve always wanted to own or a university program you’ve always wanted to enter.
It may be relatively easy to begin but it is almost guaranteed to be very challenging to stay with it for the long-term and make it a success.
Which one do you think is harder? Being successful in your marriage? In your education? Or in your career?
They are all challenging to achieve for most of us. Yet they are also goals that most of us pursue or dream about. Not everybody wants to get married but most adults want to have some form of love relationship that feels good and is right for them. And the topics in this article apply to all intimate and significant relationships, not just marriages.
Indeed the drive to form and maintain a successful love relationship seems to be consistently strong in most adults. And I have observed this repeatedly in my work as individual and couples therapist.
At the same time our 50 % + divorce rate clearly communicates the message that making our love relationship last and flourish is difficult.
If we add to the high occurrences of divorce, the numerous unhappy marriages out there in which the partners feel hopelessly stuck my point becomes even more clear.
In my work as a mental health clinician I have seen marital and relationship discord often. And as a husband in an 11-year marriage I have felt the severe pains of marital crisis.
Along the way I have formed some wisdom on ways to understand, preserve, and improve your marriage. I teach these in a workshop called “All About Love” and will present them in this article. Also you can log onto my website at www.loveyoursoul.com for additional information.
Please keep in mind that most of the advice I am providing below apply and are suggested to both you and your partner even if I do not always mention him or her. However in the event that your significant other is not willing to follow this advice, I suggest that you do them on your own and invite your partner to join you as soon as possible.
1. EXPECT RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS
All or most marriages run into small and large problems eventually. Some marital problems can be anticipated and avoided. Others cannot be foreseen and must be faced, worked through, and resolved by both partners.
Marital crisis is often very painful to go through. But that does not mean that the marriage should be ended.
Conflicts are often tests of the strength of the love relationship. These are tests that both partners must take and pass before the marriage can graduate to a higher level of mutual satisfaction.
Your marital problem should tell you that there are some things that you have not understood about your partner and vice versa. You may also have lost hope for the relationship and neglected each other’s needs.
There is work to be done by each of you. It will probably be hard work but it is also required work to help resolve your marital conflict and for each of you to grow personally.
2. OBTAIN OUTSIDE HELP
The pain and complexity of marital crisis often handicap the couples’ ability to resolve the problem on their own. It is important that you start receiving couples counseling soon after the crisis begins because the longer you wait the more difficult it will be to save the marriage.
You should treat the crisis as a relationship emergency and act right away to get all the help you need.
It is important that you find a therapist who has the experience, knowledge, and motivation to treat marital problems. Also you and your partner should collaborate in order to choose a therapist who seems right for treating your marriage.
Also there are many organizations that provide relationship services. You can locate them through the internet, the phone book, your church, etc. I like the services advertised on the websites: imagorelationships.com and embracemarriage.com.
In addition you can request help from mature friends or relatives that you trust. Their help can be valuable and may include sharing their own experiences with marital problems, listening to you, or offering other support.
3. UNDERSTAND YOUR PARTNER
You must work hard to understand and change what is bothering your partner in the relationship. Chances are that even though your partner loves you there are significant and persistent problems he or she sees in you. And your partner may have lost hope for the relationship because of them.
You need to better understand your partner’s perception of these problems. It may be that your partner has a lot of dislike or fear for a certain problem. This fear was probably developed before you knew each other.
The persistence of these problems in you can be severely disappointing your partner even if they do not seem to be major issues to you.
For example your partner may have a large need for your time and affection because he/she was severely deprived of this in childhood and past relationships.
Your partner could be feeling hurt and disappointed in the relationship because this need has been misunderstood or neglected. The solution in this case would be for you (and your spouse) to become aware of the high importance of regular affection for him/her and to make sure the marriage takes care of this need.
If you identify these types of problems and work hard to resolve them, your loved one is likely to feel better about the relationship.
As usual this works both ways and you can ask your partner to do the same for you.
4. PRAY FOR THE MARRIAGE
Spirituality and regular prayer are powerful ways that can help you and your spouse heal your damaged relationship. It is important that you pray for your partner as well as for yourself. You can also ask God to help and heal your marriage.
There is a lot of variety and choice of spiritual practices. I suggest that you find and practice one that fits with your beliefs and feels right for you.
Spiritual strength could give you both the patience, peace of mind, understanding, love, and forgiveness that is often necessary to work your way out of marital trouble.
5. TOLERATE THE EMOTIONAL PAIN
Marital crises often involve severe emotional pain for both partners. You or your spouse may feel very depressed, angry, terrified, confused, hopeless, etc.
Many people end their marriages because they do not want to tolerate these pains or because they believe that the marital problems will never go away.
But the old saying: “No Pain, No Gain” often holds true for marriages and most marital problems can be solved if both partners are willing to put in the necessary work.
Counseling, spiritual practice, and if needed, medication can help relieve some of your emotional pain. But often much of the pain brought on by marital crisis must be tolerated until the marital wounds are healed.
You and your partner need to understand and accept that you are wounded emotionally and that the healing process may be slow and gradual.
Not all marriages or relationships deserve to be saved. And not all emotional pain associated with a relationship should be tolerated to preserve it.
Extreme situations for example when one partner is regularly physically abusing the other and is refusing to seek professional help may require divorce or a break-up to solve the problem.
But emotional injury caused by typical marital conflicts can often be treated and healed. However this process typically involves emotional pain and your ability to tolerate and live with this pain is a valuable skill.
I often tell my clients “Happiness is on the other side of the pain”.
In order to better understand and save your marriage you must work your way through and past the body of emotional pain that is blocking your way to marital happiness.
And if you do this work successfully your marriage will arrive at a new, higher grounds, where you can both feel free of pain and full of relationship joy, love, and appreciation of the meaning of marriage.

Tips To Getting Your Relationship On Track

Are there such things as ‘happily ever after’ and picture-perfect marriage? It might be possible but expect alot of hurdles and bumps along the way. Marriage ain’t a fairy-tale to begin with. Although you have your share of prince charming. But when you think the marriage doesn’t meet your expectations, you tend to curse it to reality – then eventually your so-called fairytale will start slipping away.
‘Where did we go wrong?’ – the one-million dollar question when things aren’t working for the both you. It’s like day one you’re just living your day to day life together. The next day you wake up and realize you’re just not meant to be. It’s a given that the marriage is not just a walk in a park. Arguments are assume to be part of the relationship. Normal. But if one of you thinks of getting divorce, it’s already a concern.
Keep in mind that divorce is not just the only way nor the only solution for your withered romance. Say you notice a plant looking dry, you’re initial reaction would be to water them. Take that particular scenario as an example and relate it to your relationship. Instead of jumping into divorce, you should think of things and tips that will nurture your relationship in the long run.
• Be a good listener. Relationship only starts when you try to listen with all the whims and issues between you and your partner. Most of the time we listen, yes, nodding off like a toy dog in a car. However, after that, we seem to forget putting it in motion. Always remember, your relationship is a two-way process. If you want to be treated the way you want, you need to treat your spouse with the same gratitude as well.
• Arrange some surprise date. There are some habits you need to break. Those regular and boring routines you both share should be buried 10 feet under. You should know the definition of being unique. Cliche dates should not be part of your ‘itinerary’, it might be romantic but its overused and dull. Put some effort in everything you do, it will greatly be returned with so much admiration from your partner.
• Plan for a getaway just for the both of you. Most of the time, stress is the major reason of misunderstandings. So better pack your things up and go – have fun together, make new memories. Feel the beauty of the sceneries and soothe out all your worries. Leave them behind along with the retreating wind. It may sound poetic but it is definitely an A+ for rekindling your relationship.
Relationship particularly marriage – even if you’re still dating – problems and difficulties are supposed to be there. No matter how hard you work your arse off, you’ll never avoid those problems. It’s as if saying hi everytime you face one so deal with it. It’s not like you can use some blinders or blinkers, the one used for horses to avoid distractions and just go ahead straight. But it’s not, this is what we call as the ‘reality’.
Make an effort to try other options not mentioned above. Try to save your relationship like it’s the last thing on earth. And when after all those somersaults you’ve done yet still there’s not a single improvement, then it might be better off apart.